Socializing has never been my cup of tea. Never like now or any time in future.

I've always labeled it as an adult stuff whereby people do to expand their social network and thereafter strengthen and assist their career development. I do not deny it does play a huge role in one's career after all working is never a one man show. Human relations among colleagues have always been a sensitive and critical factor to working. This does puts me at a disadvantage when bosses doesnt know my existence. Do I care less? Nope, because I am "Alice" in Wonderland-- living in a world on my own.

Today, I had to socialize with my working partners. No doubt, it is very weird for me-pretending to be an adult in the midst of adults. Though I love my Stella like any other adult, I dislike the socializing. Perhaps there werent any foundation for any conversation as my work never cross theirs. We lead parallel path in office for the last 3 months and I think it'll continue for the next few months. Who am I to them? I'm just someone who blends into the office furniture. How do I feel about it? Nonchalant. I just need my alcohol.

I enjoy drinking not because it detaches me from reality. A very unlikely reason anyone who have expected was intoxication makes me a logical person.Whenever I am intoxicated, I'll find myself engaged in some philosophical conversation. Weeks back, i was discussing the difficulties and problems in rearing kids in my our present double standard society. The other time with Joe, with life prospective. The new year drinking, we were talking about future and how zodiac readings come into play in affecting our lives. It was then I managed to show off my zodiac reading skills. Drinking detaches me from my world and delivers me back to the reality.

Many times I question myself whether I am an adult or not. I am hard at work like an adult, but I dread the dressing up and mature behavior which I have to exhibit in office. Other than the responsibilities and dressing up, work is great even though there are many things for me to learn. Work exercises my brain and excites me with the unthinkable. An idea strike me today and I feel like proposing to my boss to get me involve in some work so that I c an learn more. Perhaps I should do it in the coming week. As Kit would say, ask and you'll be given.

If given a chance, I would very much want to be myself in this chaotic adult world; dressed in my Hello Kitty T-shirt and crazy laughter as and when I want.

I am a little girl trap in an adult's body.

The year I turned 21, I unsubscribed caller ID. The element of surprise of not knowing who is at the other side of the line introduced excitment and hope (positive outlook) into my life. It was a year of change.

That's when I decided to be lesser of a control freak and let my hair down. Leading what I led the last years before was too taxing for my heart. The series of disappointments from unmet expectations (drawn by myself) made me fell deeper into the world of darkness.

A door closes is another door's open.

"Boo!" That's what greeted me at the door--the element of surprise. Today marks the 2nd anniversary of me embarking on the journey of what I call growing up/living the life.  No doubt I have been feeling a little down recently but surprise sprinted out of the pillar and brought excellent news today. Though I have started subscribing to caller ID a few months back due to job hunting/work, surprise has not fogotten his good old friend.

Thank you.

Been awhile since I wrote. The inertia has started to grow on me recently after the old age question of "blogging == no privacy" dawn over me once again.

The thought that someone from office reads my blog sends creeps down my spine. On the other hand, there's nothing much for me to hide. It is true that I do behave differently in office and outside office. After all, I fall in the generation whereby we compartmentalize our lives; personal is personal, office is office. Blogging is like going naked with my thoughts. I have been hiding behind the working clothings trying to be an adult, earning an income just like any working class personnel. I cant imagine if someone from office sees me in an unprofessional manner in slippers, shorts and my hello kitty t-shirt over the weekend. What more, to discover my thoughts are on par with their 13 or 15 year old daughter. The fear is simple. Unprofessionally dressed may portray me as unprofessional at work. My immature/eccentric thoughts may lose confidence with the people I work with. This reminds me what JW told me a few weeks back, the image an educator has to carry throughout his/her life. No revealing clothings even after work for you never know where you'll meet your student and their parents. Whatever it is... I still have decided to blog, however, more discretely and cautious.

Tmr's finally the day. I am excited but not thrilled. I do hope it'll be a fruitful internship for I have been pinning for this day for so long.

Today's Chocolate cake reminded me how "child-like" my body is. My body responses to sugar like a little girl to chocolate--sugar rush. A sudden surge of happiness after indulging in a huge slice of chocolate cake. I would start humming tunes and smiling to myself. Reminds how I use to pump in tons and tons of chocolate whenever I feel sad to get myself "highs" to tide pass the depressive days during my 2nd and 3rd year of university. If not for chocolates, I do not know how I would have survived those 2 years. Chocolate was my miracle pill then. Maybe it still is... but i no longer have the need.

Oh, I got invited for a halloween party and I have yet decided what costume to wear. Feel like wearing the floral black dress I bought at the factory outlet... but it isnt creative enough. Misa to match Kit? Can do too... but I guess people will puke their dinner once they see me in that. I do not wish to clean the "mess". Friday from Adam's family? ... I have a few more days to churn up...

A series of incoherent and random thoughts...

The person whom I am suppose to be attached to this week is in surgery. Is it solely me or coincidence? Jinx or vivid imagination?

Running my fingers along the keyboard was the bestest idea I had for awhile. Though a little rusty, the melody a little crackly, the sound produced is still as good as ever. I do enjoy playing the piano after so many years. The vibration of the air erased all the negative vibes and I felt revitalized. Thank you Mr Chong for parting a huge chunk of you to me--piano.

Though my sister and I learned under the same piano teacher, we had very different style of playing. Her music is gentle, mild and soothing like the trickling water along the streams. Mine on the other hand is emotional, vast intonation and overwhelming. The same person inspired us very differently. Perhaps the very difference was that Mr Chong was my only music teacher (he taught me for 13 over years since I was 6) while my sister had a few teachers before him.

I've always loved watching Mr Chong playing the piano. His pieces never fail to bring me to another world. He has a pair of magical fingers that run along the black and white keyboard freely, stirring your emotions every time. The way he moves his body to the melody, up and down is really contagious. Haha... comical huh. That's my memory of him.

Feeling sleepy... must have been the piano playing taking effect (Nice music soothes one soul).
Good night to the world.

I'm back. The pain is gone for now and so is the cloudiness of the mind. Welcome back, health. Three quarter pack of H20, 19 hours of continuous sleep. I am finally back into shape. I am thankful my body made it through. Never should I take my body for granted again. Cherish it for it gives life to my soul and mind.

The world didnt stop spinning while I was ill. The stock market was in dreadful state. Everything looks so gloomy, so was the weather. The torrential rain, erratic humidity, the societal and family drama, in sum the world seems to be falling apart other than me and people of my generation. To be specific, they are the people who are absorb in their own world; pursuing for the paper qualification or just took their very first baby step in the working society. We are indifferent about so many things happening around us for they are just too fast for us to keep up. Moreover each issue brings about deeper complications and implications that is beyond our ability to execute any contingency plan. Even there is a possible rectification, most of us chosen denial.

During geography classes, we were taught about deforestation and their detrimental effects to our environment. We were taught and tested yet we choose to believe it'll not happen during our lifetime. General Paper discussion; issues of poverty remains due to uneven distribution yet to close an eye and believe it is not happening to us for we and our family will not be one of the starving people in some corner of rural Africa. When there is an impending issue at home, everyone just choose denial believe the problem will resolve in time. The usual rebuttal I get is when time is right, everything will fall into place. So when is the time right? When everyone dies and bring the issue into their coffin? Only when someone important makes a big statement, or when consequences start to have direct impact to our lives, only then we take note and try to rectify. Why are we like that? Is this the adulthood I pictured?

Frankly speaking, I am of no position to judge anyone for I am just like you and me. There are problems which I failed to address in my personal life. Every time "mature" excuses will be used to ease my guilt and erase my responsibilities, such as "I got to have faith that they know what they are doing." I cant always be hiding and using the excuse such as 'I am still a child' to face whatever is coming in my life. I got to take it with stride, like an adult. Ok, I take back the last sentence. Indeed I need to take it with stride but it may not be classified as an adult-thingy. Taking it with stride is what our society, our forefather and the works of our ancestries have forced us to be.

Perhaps I am too absolute and a little too harsh saying we are being forced our forefathers. If not for them I may be living in a mud hut with no light and no blanket to keep my toes warm at night. But you get what I am trying to drive at, huh. This is just human revolution, evolution whatever you want to call it. Survival in today's skyscraper landscape.

Today's world seems sad to me. Beyond the materialistic front, we have only emotional and spiritual pursuits to fill our emptiness.

However, what's emotions and spirit when we do not have a body to house and translate it? No matter how hard we try to compartmentalize our lives, we cant erase our integrity with the environment and people we live in.

My body is in a worst state than yesterday.

Though I was running in and out of toilet excreting watery stool non-stop yesterday, my mental state was excellent. I was able to construct coherent and logical sentences and my mind was moving fast. Today after taking the new medication to stop the intestines from any more unnecessary movements, my body is in shit, actually more like I-am-falling-apart-and-I-think-I-am-going-to-be-admitted-into-hospital state. The temperature of my body has been fluctuating between 37.4 to 3.78 degrees. It may seen normal, but from my years of observation, it is considered high for me for my normal body temperature is usually around 36.7 degrees. My left armpit where most of my lymph nodes reside are swollen and painful. My tummy is bloated. My head is cloudy and most of the time I feel frail and dizzy. Coherent sentences, arguments, bound to fight a losing battle. I want to regain control of my body soon.

Whenever it doesnt feel too good, for some weird reason I feel as though I am transported in time--A little 5 year old, not able to express her pain so she cries. I know this sort of behavior is absolutely undeniable undesirable. However, it just comes. It really made me wonder if my head suffered sustainable damage during the previous night's high temperature. Or this is me coping with reality by using child-like-innocence as a shield from the harsh truth that I have been ill-treating my body?

Weiqing, you got be strong from within and conquer whatever is making you so sick.
You health will triumph in the end.

Wanted to blog yesterday, however my body wasnt in any correct state to do that. Yesterday, I almost fained in the train but ended vomiting my lunch out at the train platform. It is such a frightening experience for me.

I could feel my body breaking down. My limbs were losing its sense and the surrounding noise gradual but rapidly became softer. As though someone is tunning the volume down. I knew I was going to black out any moment. Throughout the entire moment, I could hear my mind exchanging deep and intellectual conversation with my body. Many things were running through my head, and I knew I had to drop it down in my blog for they are words of wisdom. However, my body failed me when I was at Buona Vista MRT station. Lying in bed, I cant remember half the content of the conversation I had with my mind.

I am fine now. The doctor gave me a jab as I was running a high fever, 39 degrees C. It is a viral. Must have gotten it from the office when everyone is not feeling too well too. Talking about HVAC.. in future when I am equipped with more technical knowledge, I hope to design something that sterilize the air where we work in and bring about a cleaner and better environment for everyone. 2 days of MC and I hope I'll be fine on Monday when my internship starts. Nevertheless, I will try my best to recall what I intended to drop down in my blog.

Recalling hard... only strings of incoherent phrases. "Echoes throughout the body", "New pink top?"...

I guess I shall write on the factual events rather than my thoughts since I cant even recall clearly the details.

Bad day at work, actually not exactly bad day. Just felt rather stupid I cant do a simple thing properly, burdening people when the situation is already very tense to start of with. Actually, to think of it, it is nobody's fault, not a finger pointing thingy. It is just poor communication and taking each other for granted. A fine line between trust and taking for granted.

People in office are supermen. There are so many problems yet they are still able to cope with whatever comes in their way. They are living spokesmen of classic slogans such as "Just do it!" and "Life still goes on". Is this what the chaotic society mold us to be? Ten years down the road, will I be one of them--a superhuman? Or am I one of them already, just that this superhuman natural will take over when situation calls for the need? Survival instinct?

My long awaited internship finally came. I must say I am very thrilled and eager to be able to bridge the gap between the things I have learned from the internet and the actual system itself. Talking about it, it reminded me of the phrase Kit once said to me, "Ask and you'll be given". I know this is quoted from the bible, however whatever I am going to mention later has nothing to do with Christianity or religion. The phrase is really true. Havent I asked, I wouldnt be going for my internship. We cant always be seating on the reserve bench waiting for things to fall onto our laps. We have to be more proactive with what we want. At the same time, regulating our own expectation so as to be more realistic with the things we end up with. This phrase serves as a reminder for me to be more proactive.

Recently, I got hold of this philosophical novel. The author is a Czech and the translation was done poorly. Otherwise, the language of Czech must have been much sophisticated than English language itself. Just like Chinese is to English. Or... it is a deliberate move to intrigue the readers. Whatever the reason maybe, it had succeed in getting my attention.

"Immortality ... has nothing in common with religious faith in a immortal soul. What is involved is the different, quite earthly immortality of those who after their death remain in the memory of the posterity." What the author is doing is encapsulating an entirely different perspectives to the word immorality. The things we project out come back to use as an projection from the people around us. How we want to see ourselves is how we want others see us. How many of us can say we led our lives for ourselves without the consideration of how others think of us and how we want to be remembered. Let's exclude religion, whereby people led their lives for God and falls out of the category.

When we are borne to the world, we are children to our parents and citizens to our countries. Given identities and responsibilities that we have no control of. Society, family instill us of the things that;s right and wrong, things we should and shouldnt do. We are entities trying to fit into this society be it as an elite or crazy-out-of-this-world-weirdo that our descendants have defined. We are residing in an environment that is neatly bounded by eyes and people who are constantly making their memories related to us. Immortality is part of our lives.

... feeling sleepy. Guess the medicine has finally taken effect. I shall end here.

I am on a journey of self discovery in relation with the society.
With my condition, verbal blogging diarrhea...

Just as I thought I had enough of studying after wearing the graduation gown, I am yearning to return to the cradle of books. Either the ministry of education has did a wonderful job of instilling the idea of "learn till you die" or my head is severely damaged after 18 years of education. Whatever the reason may be, this week's theme shall be "Quest for Intellectual Stimulant".

Oh orh, if you are wondering how did the weekly theme came from, it came from the idea of the weekly assembly most of us had during our primary school days. I do not know about you, but when I was in NanHua, there was always a theme for the assembly each week and the teachers planned a series of activities related to the theme and engaged the students for the rest of the week. So for the last few weeks, I have been allocating themes in accordance with the number of weeks I have worked. Two weeks ago was the "drama week" when a series of better-than-Taiwanese-idol-dramatic events happened in office--the US market went into critical state, and the following day my boss's wife gave birth, then my the other boss went on honeymoon, then my the other's boss's dad pass away. Just as you think it is not dramatic enough, people are quiting. Not one, two but three. And I thought Taiwanese dramas are exaggerating. It was an apt theme for that week.

Back from digression. So my quest for Intellectual Stimulant has been a tough one. I bought two novels and finished them in 4 days. This is terrible news for my pocket, on an average of $10 is spent on my daily intellectual stimulant. I even choose the smallest font yet I still finished them so quickly. Either the books are good (who can resist family drama and romance literatures), or the intellectual starvation is overwhelming. Ha. I really got to think of something better to feed the need. Be an adult and read the newspaper other than Home and Life section? Read self-help books? That's so loser-like. Update my blog on a regular basis? That's only if I have something to write.

Perhaps I should go back studying music, after all I finished my grade 8 piano practical without the theory. Years back I procrastinated completing the theory due to the lack of time, now that I have so much time... Sounds like an excellent idea. Before I go back, I should polish up my basics and practical skill. What a coincidence, my sister asked which period "Tocatta in D minor" was written in just as I wrote that previous sentence. Ha.

For the remaining days of the week I shall embark on my quest of intellectual musical stimulant. *cheers*

When was the time when blue birds chirps and wind blows into your face?
When was the time when you look up into the night sky and soak under the moonlight?
When was the time when you held my hands tightly when I shook in fear?


Adulthood complicates life and raises the bar for happiness. Because of that, I hate growing up. When was the last time you see anyone walking along Shenton Way smile from within? The only time an adult smile smiles, it would be the presence of a child, a baby. No one can deny the power of a child’s smile. Their smiles make everyone smile along with them. Things are simpler and happier back then.

However, growing up is inevitable.

Understanding the behavior of adults is complex. Like a cabbage, it is layer after layers....

There's a burning smell and I am suspecting my laptop is burning. So I have to end here.